(2024) VerifiedThing Completes the 27 Rites of Passage to Become New Texas A&M Aggies HC

[VerifiedThing]

              College Station, TX - In a surprise move that seemingly came out of nowhere but has been in the works for months now, former SMU HC VerifiedThing has returned to college football, this time taking over the Fighin' Aggies of Texas A&M. Before taking the job, and to prove he was worthy in the first place, VT had to go through the traditional "27 Rites of Passage" to become the new Head Coach. Every Aggie knows the 27 by heart from their Freshman Orientation, but for those outsiders/non-believers who are curious about our ways, here is the full list of the 27 Rites:

 

RITE 1: Upon meeting the Administration for the first time, the candidate must introduce himself with a hearty "Howdy!"

RITE 2: The candidate must follow up the Howdy with an equally hearty "To hell with UT!"

RITE 3: Must leave a penny on the Sul Ross statue and hope the tribute is not rejected.

RITE 4: A deep and respectful bow to Queen Reveille. If she pisses on your leg you are to be taken to the police for treason against the crown, where the punishment is banishment to Austin.

RITE 5: Ordering a nice refreshing coke. The coke must be Dr. Pepper.

RITE 6: Attending the Midnight Yell, must follow all orders to a tee or else face banishment to Austin.

RITE 7: Sing all of the Aggie Songs, in order, with no breaks or refreshments (not even Dr. Pepper).

RITE 8: Another "To hell with UT!" followed by a thumbs up.

RITE 9: Must replace their entire wardrobe with Maroon and White. Any orange clothes will be confiscated and burned at the bonfire, and the ashes shall be banished to Austin.

RITES 10-19: Must sit in solitary for 10 consecutive days thinking only about the glory of Texas A&M. Each day is its own Rite.

RITE 20: One more "To hell with UT!"

RITE 21: If "Gig Em" has not entered the candidates everyday vocabulary he will be dismissed.

RITE 22: Upon gazing at Kyle Field for the first time, the applicant must stare in wonder at the most beautiful sports stadium to ever exist.

RITE 23: The applicant will be fitted for a football uniform, which he must wear at all times, and he must be ready for action in case the team needs him.

RITE 24: This Rite has been changed in 2015 after a student body vote. The applicant must simply wear a cowboy hat and mustn't do anything else with it.

RITE 25: *RITE 25 IS TOP SECRET AND CAN ONLY BE EXPERIENCED BY THOSE WITH PROPER SECURITY PROTOCOLS. IT IS ILLEGAL TO EVER DISCUSS RITE 25 WITH THOSE INVOLVED*

RITE 26: Upon finishing Rite 25, the applicant will go in front of the student body and proclaim "I have completed Rite 25." This will be met with a hearty "Whoop!" followed by "To hell with UT!"

RITE 27: The applicant must agree to a 10 year $650 million contract fully guaranteed.