[2024] The Big British Mock

[Kirby]

Location: Sky Spoof Studios                     City: Laaandon                   Country: Eng-er-land, UK

Rated: 18+ (Rated R for you American folks)       Genre: Royal Satire                      Dress code: Chainmail

 

Kirby (Intro)

"Hello and welcome to the inaugural Big British Mock, all the way from the United Kingdom, the best place in the world, which happens to be a very fucking long way away from you, the reader. 

I'm Kirby and I'm going to be your host for the evening. If you don't know me, well, you can probably count yourself lucky. To those of you that do, i'm truly sorry. I'm the owner of the Miami Dolphins, which I run alongside a portfolio of strip clubs and casino's. Just ask Matt Howard.

I'm joined today by two of my good friends and fellow Brits: Suffocation, I mean Dehydration, sorry I mean JC (spoiler: they are all the same person) aka the Owner of the Green Bay Packers. Go Cheese... and Spoof, who is about to go from Zero to Hero after having a huge off season (and we aren't even through Free Agency yet) with the Jets, where funnily enough, he is also the Owner. I know, we are all fucking loaded. Cha-ching.

The format for this mock will be simple. We figured we had to keep it that way because the majority of our rivals within SimFBA are across the pond, and you've already made a habit of simplifying our language, as well as this very sport (*rugby cries into it's abyss of irrelevance*). 

We have designated picks to each other and will alternate throughout. It's really simple, I promise.

Lads, let's get this show on the road. The New York Jets are on the clock, so JC (with absolutely no input whatsoever from Spoof) it's over to you to make the most fucking obvious pick of this mock draft official."

JC

"With the first pic-"

Kirby

"Hold on... wait... stop. Do it with an accent in English first, and then translate it to American English for our friends in the audience."

 

#1 NYJ - QB Hiram Maronde - JC

Landon town English: "Cor blimey governor, can you bloody adam and eve it?! There's been a box of toys over this pick so it took me until the day's a-dawning to decide... The New York Harriers select their quarterback of the future, Spoof will be on the dog 'n' bone in an 'eartbeat to let Hiram know he's going to be moving to the big smoke."

American: "Wow wee, good golly, I can't believe it. There's been a lot of noise over this pick so it took me until the morning to decide... The New York Jets select their quarterback of the future, Spoof will be on the cellular device to let Hiram know he is moving to New Yawk.

Over to you Spoof, Miami are on the clock"

 

#2 MIA - RB Clayton McGee - Spoof

English: "Big man's in Miami is desperate to bring his bludfam into the crew. He got him doing mad ting in the school, and you know man's wants that again. They need shooters guarding the main king, but they can't stop giving eyes to another runner."

American: "The top management of Miami are really keen to bring a known face into the team. They already have established a relationship through his college career, and that will definitely play into the pick here. Really they could do with Offensive Line improvements, but they're just not going to look past another top Running Back.

Back to you Kirby"

 

#3 CAR - WR Paul Canha - Kirby

"Big man Clayton yeh. G'orn shun, love you my guy. Welcome home geeza! With that in mind, you just made this pick very easy for me to make."

Ye Olde British: "Art thou Jambo and Ye Wise Sarge first of his Name rush to ye Podium to proclaim their desire for Canha in true Panther fashion. Raise ye ale for the new born son of the Carolina faithful. Finally, the one they call "Canha" has a home fit for a Prince."

Modern translation: "The Panthers sprint to the podium to select Canha. It's obvious, they love him, as does most of the league. There have been rumours swirling around the league that Sarge has gone as far to inviting Paul Canha and his entire family on a mysterious retreat to Barbados, where they will meet King Charles (all hail the King) and drink Yorkshire Tea whilst eating the finest Crumpets. In all seriousness though, when picking this early, you simply have to take a generational player. Canha looks set to be exactly that. Carolina fans around the country (do they even exist?) start smashing beers in the air like Prime Stone Cold Steve Austin. What?"

 

#4 NYG - DE Whit Wilson - JC

West Coun'ry English: "Alright shag, with ol' Canha going off the board just before, I reckon the large boys will look to strength'n their defense and they've got just the badger in Wilson. This mucker is the highest graded defensive end and allows flexibility in playing either defensive front. Proper gert lush pick innit."

American: "Howdy folks, as Canha as going to them men over in Carolina. I think the Giants will look at strengthening their defense and they've got exactly that in Wilson. He's the highest graded defensive end and allows flexibility tin playing either defensive front. Very good pick.

Spoof on the clock"

 

#5 CAR - ILB Kenny Daniel - Spoof

English: "Got the best man in the draft, but absolutely no troops down the street in Carolina right now. Need someone who sees things and just B-R-R-R-R-R-A-P'S them for daring."

American: "Carolina already have the best player in the draft with Canha, but they lack a top ILB. They really need someone who sees the play before him and cuts it off before it even begins.

Kirby take us away with the Saints next"

 

#6 NO - SS Garrett Smith - Kirby

Essex grammar (aka my natural lingo): "New Orleans got a good one ere, Smith is a proper player, probably one of, if not the best in the whole draft. He's gonna make it happen for the Saints, and take their secondary up a few notches. Apparently he's a top geeza too. G'orn the boy!"

Non-Essex: "There's no denying the Saints need help in the secondary, so why not take a generational player like Smith? I love this pick for New Orleans. Smith is a "do it all" defensive back and I think he has a long and prosperous career ahead of him.'"

 

#7 HOU - OT J’mon Wolters - JC

Scottish "Whilst the wee Texans could do with a quebee of the futu'e, there ain't nay others bonnie enough at this pick. Instead they're using their wee heids and avoiding picking a dafty with the best offensive tackle. Gie it laldy Wolters."

American: "Whilst the Texans could do with a QB of the future, there isn't any others attractive enough to select with this pick. Instead they're using their heads and avoiding a fools pick by selecting the best offensive tackle. Give it your best Wolters."

 

#8 ATL - OG Alex Hitchens - Spoof

English: "Oooooo they're steaming. Atlanta thought they got him, just for Houston to scoop the man up and put him in the second sticks for a bit. Instead they now looking at the fat goalie or going bare early on a main man. This time they take the fat goalie."

American: "Atlanta suddenly thought that J'Mon Wolters had fallen to them, with a view to him having a year at Guard to build him, only for Houston to dash their hopes. Instead they're torn between taking the next best Oliner, or reaching early for a QB they've got their eyes on. They take Hitchens."

 

#9 SEA - CB Sam Voth - Kirby

LDN GStar - "Listen brev its lookin good brev. Man like Tuscan and his army in Seattle taking a track star like Voth ya get me. Comon brev."

Translation: "Seattle is a hard one here. They have a thin corner room with only one true starter in Mendoza. I feel like they lean to adding another stud to the room and Voth is the man i believe they would take. He's fast, intelligent, and will turn their secondary into a real asset. Kenny Daniel was strongly considered here, as their ILB room could also do with improvement, but Seattle opt to create their own 'No Fly Zone' by pairing Voth with Mendoza."

 

#10 LAC - RB Richard Bianchi - JC

Devon English: "Backalong when the Chargers had a GM this could've been a different pick but I'm reckonin' they go with wot they no and wot they need. Bianchi is abit of an Angletwich, scoring high in his combine and I don't mean a combine harvester. Proper Job."

American: "Back in the day when the chargers had a GM this could've been a different pick but I think they go with best player available at a position of need. Bianchi is a fast moving fellah, scoring high in his combine. Proper Job."

 

#11 JAX - DT Logan Lopez - Spoof

English- "Jags absolutely Weetabix wall just got a soldier. Logan the kind of mans to kill a QB or RB, pick him up and kill him again for the bants based on what we saw him do at school."

American - "Jacksonville have a serious hole in the Defensive Line, and Logan is the perfect solution at Defensive Tackle. His final year at Houston saw him repeatedly get to the Quarter Back or force a tackle for loss."

 

#12 DET - ILB David Covey - Kirby

"Ok, I think that's enough with the multi-language write ups. With this pick, Detroit find themselves between a rock and a hard place here but I think Covey makes sense for a linebacker corps that needs help. He's a coverage guy so could likely be played inside or outside and paired with Milburn could transform the position group. JC, take us away with the next pick."

 

#13 MIN - WR Logan Njoku - JC

"A young receiving core gets even younger. They could easily go Cornerback here to prep for the possible departures of Kling and/or Maldonado but with Sinnock continuing to improve, I think they get him more playmakers. With how the board has fallen (Top OT, OG and ILBs going already), I think taking a higher rated player in a position of need is better than gambling on someone a little lower rated at this draft pick."

 

#14 GB - WR Trevor Wood - Spoof

English - "Imagine having talent and brains. Fam has both. Man would turn "Tesco Finest Cheese and Onion" Corners into out of date Space Raiders."

American - "Wood has outstanding athleticism and intelligence on running routes, often taking some of the very best Corners in college and making them look very average as he cut inside."

 

#15 CLE - OT Francisco Smith - Kirby

"The defense needs work but from a value standpoint Smith is probably the best option in this spot. They need a starting tackle on the opposite side to always reliable Bao Sultana and I think Smith would slot in as a day one starter at RT. The Browns are built around Juan Mora and his dynamic running, Smith will only elevate it."

 

#16 BAL - OT Tony Varvaro - JC

"After investing a couple of day 2 picks on the offensive line in the 2023 draft, Baltimore are back strengthening the trenches with an offensive tackle to sit opposite Anderson. The mauling run blocker can slot right in a right tackle."

 

#17 NE - OT Brad Adams - Spoof

Black Country English: "'ere. SummunGotKeepEyeOnLadBack 'ere OrHeMightGetSQUISHED'ForHeMakeAThrow. BigFellaWhoKnowWhatT'DoCanDoRightJobOnThaaaaaat. NoPointGettingNewBossUntilThehSortItIReckon."

American: "Patriots need to improve the options at O Line to protect their Quarterback in the passing game. Adams was exceptional as a Pass Blocker and would fit in really well here. There's no point drafting a new QB until they have the line to cover him."

 

#18 BUF - ILB Joe Yanda - Kirby

"A+ for effort with the accent there Spoof. And A++ for continuing on the accents past the top 10. You are either extremely dedicated to your craft, or you are simply rebelling against us in an attempt to try and show that the Jets organisation has the superior Owner (which by the way, I wouldn't dispute in regards to myself. I couldn't run an egg and spoon race successfully if I tried). Let's have a brew and talk it out. Stick the kettle on geeza.

Anyway, on with the pick. The Offensive Tackle rush ends here. Buffalo could go a magnitude of different routes here, but their Linebacker corps, particularly at OLB with no starter above a 60 Overall, is a big fat hole on that defense. It doesn't appear they are getting anyone in free agency to address it at this stage either. With the new scheme upgrades, Yanda will slot nicely into the position group. He is a fast playmaker on defense who is good against the run and also in coverage.

JC, take us away, what are Tampa Bay doing up next?"

 

#19 TB - DE Ty Bogdanovic - JC

"With a pair of good defensive tackles and a strong side defensive end who can set the edge well, Bogdanovic can come in and use his strengths of geting after quarterbacks from the get go. Of course the roster has bigger holes in it but I'm not convinced they'll find much better value than the athletic Defensive end and the oppotunity to make a really dangerous front 4 could be too good to turn down."

 

#20 PHI - OG Felix Rodriguez - Spoof

"Even though they need one, no remaining Defensive End would be worth taking here over Rodriguez, who walks into the O line as a starter. It's that simple innit."

 

#21 CHI - CB Rashard Hilliard - Kirby

"The Bears have a decision to make at Corner. The reality is, their best corner is Gary Linblad, and he has a few more years in the tank, but youth isn't on his side. There is potential they go for the more versatile Jonathan Parks here, but I think Hilliard at #21 is an absolute steal, and although primarily a man guy he also grades reasonably in Zone coverage. Hilliard is the best 'bang for buck' here, and his college stats blow away Parks."

 

#22 SF - C Ruben Shazier - JC

"With the Niners being aggressive on offensive tackle and guard in free agency, I think Shazier will round out the line and give further protection to young Latimer. With the quarterbacks scrambling tendencies, the big run blocking center will be a good scheme fit."

 

#23 NYG - WR Arden Ejiofor - Spoof

Midlands English: "Giants are stuck on the M25, and really need to either get off at the Watford Gap or the M23 and make a decision on where to go. Could be they wind up needing to take the M1 all the way up to really get somewhere that is worth their time. The trains are gone. The lorries are already in Dover, and the fleet of realiable vans are scattered too."

American: "There's a really good chance that the Giants have to get active and move up from here, because they're in absolute no-mans-land with this pick. Ejiofor does fill a needed role, but they are so in need of a killer skill player that gambling on him falling this far, with the two RB's that they should be looking to move into range of, or the top DT or ILB's as well. They also have another problem. They've just traded for a Scrambling QB, and they have very little in the way of Run protection at the Line, and the ones in the draft are likely all gone by this point too."

 

#24 ATL - FS Kyle Reimold - Kirby

"The Falcons desperately need Offensive Guards but with the top two prospects off the board at Guard, I feel like it will be too hard to pass up on someone of Reinhold's talent at this stage in the first round. He is arguably a top 10 talent in the draft and in all fairness, the Falcons need help at Safety. The two rostered Free Safeties they have are relatively young, and they are also bidding on a *slightly* better free agent, Reinhold is superior to all of them and slots straight into a starting role on this defense. Let's hope he has good taste in bread."

 

#25 DAL - OG Corey Cabera - JC

"The draft board has not fallen in Dallas’ favour here as I would expect them to be after a tackle, since the run on tackles in the late teens happened, there wasn’t a prospect appetising enough so the Cowboys have selected Cabera to sit behind Sarratt for a year or two before challenging for the job, not really what you want from your first round pick but it’s more of a complement to how young and well rounded the Dallas roster already is."

 

#26 MIA - TE Hakeem Judd - Spoof

"Miami are in prime spot to take a bit of a risk here. They already secured their RB earlier in the round, and have three 2nd round picks to go for more sensible depth and starter options, but there's only one Tight End in the whole draft who really stands out above the rest, and so they take Judd to improve that position with a view to probably cutting one or two of the guys they have that really aren't up to the standard desired at this level of the game."

 

#27 KC - FS Michael Infante - Kirby

"I have to admit, our Tight End situation is in dire straits, so I don't hate that pick Spoof. Let's hope he likes Guinness, because I drink a lot of it.

Kansas City are a strong side without too many holes. I believe they give Scribner a real shot this year and hopefully get him some help. Two clear weaknesses of note are at Wide Receiver and Offensive Tackle. It looks like they are going to address both in Free Agency though which paves the way for Infante, who gets the call and is welcomed to Arrowhead. Free Safety isn't their biggest need, but it isn't a strength and in Infante they likely draft their long term starter at the position. Their stud SS Redman is a Zone man so it should be a match made in heaven. Infante put up respectable stats in college but it is at the Combine where he really shined, where he was graded top 10 in every exercise."

 

#28 ARI - DE Joel Chirinos - JC

"Arizona currently have 28 players on their roster and I’ve not seen much activity out of them in free agency either. It’s hard to really know what direction they are going with their defensive identity since they have a fair few holes, Chirinos would provide some much needed help to a depleted front 7."

 

#29 - PIT - DE Randall Holmes - Spoof

"In all honesty Pittsburgh might be better served trying to take this pick and a collection of players to try and move up higher into the round. Failing that, they're so full as a roster already that it might be best served trading this pick away so they can look longer term and start stacking up future picks. That said, they really could do with improving the Defensive Line, but theres no natural DT worth taking here so take Holmes and consider moving him or one of their other stronger DEs there instead."

 

#30 JAX - CB Stansly Alvarez - Kirby

"The first of Jacksonville's back to back first rounders starts here and boy oh boy they would be thrilled if Alvarez was there at #30. They have a need for playmakers on defense, and Alvarez has the potential to be a day one starter in this defense. His stats may not blow you away interception wise, but he defended a heck of a lot of passes and is an expert in Man Coverage, which aligns perfectly with this Jacksonville secondary unit. This could end up being 'steal of the draft'."

 

#31 JAX - WR Sean Plutko - JC

"Back to back skill positions for Jacksonville as they take a red zone threat which will fit in nicely with the other young speedsters on the roster, from a scheme point of view."

 

#32 CAR - RB Lorenzo Carr - Spoof

"Carolina closes out the first round taking the best remaining Running back to ensure that there's no way they miss out on him."

 

Kirby (Outro)

"Andddddddddd that brings to a close the very first Big British Mock. Don't be expecting a Version 2.0 from the three of us before the upcoming draft. Unfortunately we are paid a shit load LESS than you lucky sods and therefore we have to spend the majority of our living lives slaving away at work. With that being said, it's been a good laugh doing this with my two amigos, and so hopefully this will become a seasonal feature. Anyway, enjoy your pop tarts you filthy animals. Toodeloo."

 

Cheat Sheet

Spoiler

Suff	1.01	NYJ	Hiram Maronde	QB
Spoof	1.02	MIA	Clayton McGee	RB
Kirby	1.03	CAR	Paul Canha	WR
Suff	1.04	NYG	Whit Wilson	DE
Spoof	1.05	CAR	Kenny Daniel	ILB
Kirby	1.06	NO	Garrett Smith	SS
Suff	1.07	HOU	J'Mon Wolters	OT
Spoof	1.08	ATL	Alex Hitchens	OG
Kirby	1.09	SEA	Sam Voth	CB
Suff	1.10	LAC	Richard Bianchi	RB
Spoof	1.11	JAX	Logan Lopez	DT
Kirby	1.12	DET	Davis Covey	ILB
Suff	1.13	MIN	Logan Njoku	WR
Spoof	1.14	GB	Trevor Wood	WR
Kirby	1.15	CLE	Francisco Smith	OT
Suff	1.16	BAL	Tony Varvaro	OT
Spoof	1.17	NE	Brad Adams	OT
Kirby	1.18	BUF	Joe Yanda	ILB
Suff	1.19	TB	Ty Bogdanovic	DE
Spoof	1.20	PHI	Felix Rodriguez	OG
Kirby	1.21	CHI	Rashard Hilliard	CB
Suff	1.22	SF	Ruben Shazier	C
Spoof	1.23	NYG	Arden Ejiofor	WR
Kirby	1.24	ATL	Kyle Reimold	FS
Suff	1.25	DAL	Corey Cabrera	OG
Spoof	1.26	MIA	Hakeem Judd	TE
Kirby	1.27	KC	Michael Infante	FS
Suff	1.28	ARI	Joel Chirinos	DE
Spoof	1.29	PIT	Randall Holmes	DE
Kirby	1.30	JAX	Stansly Alvarez	CB
Suff	1.31	JAX	Sean Plutko	WR
Spoof	1.32	CAR	Lorenzo Carr	RB

 

[Piercewise1]

Awesome mock! And thank you for the translations for us Yanks!