[2022] Arizona Cardinals Announce New Owner

[HAFFnHAFF]

Thank you for coming to today's press conference. I have a very important announcement to make and then I will open the floor for questions. I have signed a deal to acquire the Arizona Cardinals and assume ownership effective immediately. Following the week 5 game in Kansas City, I will also assume all Head Coaching duties. I will not be flying out to Kansas City for the game as I do not want to present any kind of distraction to normal operations this late in the week. Instead, I will be spending time here watching film and compiling scouting reports on players. I want to thank the NFL for this opportunity and thank the existing coaching staff for their hard work thus far this season. I will also be the acting GM until a suitable candidate can be found to assume the role. The Cardinals are now accepting applications for both GM and Head Scout.

 

I will now open the floor for questions....

[smackemz]

The rumor is you like to tout your "athletic pedigree" because of your flag football exploits in college. Care to comment on how you'll try and work yourself into the league's first player/coach position?

[HAFFnHAFF]

I am always in shape and ready to go. Unfortunately, the current CBA prohibits an owner from also being a player. That said, I do plan to propose a rule change at the owners meetings next offseason.