Hot single programs in YOUR area

[tsweezy]

Special shout-out to @Bundy for helping write this.

 

Hey there coach, are you looking for a sexy SEC program that will do anything you want them to? Well we have some... openings for you to browse.

Some of these programs have never been been touched by a coach before so please be gentle.

 

Alabama Crimson Tide

 

*banjo intensifies*

 

An ole ball coach once said “Faith. Family. Football.” were the priorities in life. Why not enjoy the pure bliss of them all at the same time, come on down to Tuscaloosa and see what we have to offer at the Family Reunion Feeler.

 

Our history department will be sure to educate you on the bloodlines of historic royalties of all civilizations – we’re not talking Sally Struthers when we say All in the Family.

 

Speaking of Sally Struthers, Alabama’s mascot is an elephant, which is representative of the figure of the campus’ coeds – both in shape and smell.

 

Alabama’s logo is a giant red A, and per the research of our dear author leaving no Stone unturned, this is something we can all get behind.

 

Alabama is the undisputed most talented team in the country. Dripping with 5 stars and oozing with talent, all they need is a coach to take the reigns and unleash the crimson tide. I genuinely believe if you have the chops you could win a national title year 1 with this squad (although still going to lose to a certain team in orange).

2021 Elo rank: 9

2022 Talent Rank: 1

2022 Offense Rank: 1

2022 Defense Rank: 2

 

 

Auburn Tigers

Auburn had a reasonably good 2021 campaign, finishing 7-6. While they currently have a weaker roster than in-state Alabama, if you are into a bit of humiliation, you could take their recruits and whip the "more talented" squad and get some recognition.

2021 Elo rank: 60

2022 Talent Rank: 109

2022 Offense Rank: 90

2022 Defense Rank: 61

 

 

Arkansas Razorbacks

Arkansas is the second most talented team on this list, and went 5-7 last season. They were the only school on this list to have a coach, as @Weeze recently left them for Florida's job opening. So if you want the low down scoop on this team, try to give him a sneaky DM. They also signed 5 4-stars and a 5-star corner so they have a great young class to build on.

 

https://chumley.barstoolsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/07/16/bret-bielema-topless.jpg

 

You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like. This is the ideal male body.

 

2021 Elo rank: 72

2022 Talent Rank: 40

2022 Offense Rank: 81

2022 Defense Rank: 22

 

Mississippi State Bulldogs :missisippistate:

Mississippi State had a very good 9-4 season last year and was in the mix to challenge the SEC west despite an "on paper" mediocre roster. Plus, with the introduction of home field advantage, Starkvegas is an even more alluring destination.

 

The conservative right has been making a massive deal out of Gen Z’s obsession with furries, reported litter boxes in classrooms, barking, food dishes, etc. Surely enough to give the likes of Hannity and Tucker Carlson a stroke. And perhaps, you a stroke as well ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

There’s two types of people in this world who are willing to shove their hand up a cow – one for production purposes, and one for pleasure. If you come to Mississippi State, you’re the type to find yourself in one or more categories.

 

Our safe word is Clanga.

 

2021 Elo rank: 38

2022 Talent Rank: 100

2022 Offense Rank: 90

2022 Defense Rank: 101

 

 

South Carolina Gamecocks :southcarolina:

 

Unfortunately South Carolina is a bit of a fixer-upper who finished 5-7 last season. They have one of the biggest spreads between offense and defense so if high-scoring games are your thing this could be your team.

Let’s face it, if you want absolutely zero expectations besides being the top vacation destination of Ohioans, come on down to sweet South Carolina

 

2021 Elo rank: 75

2022 Talent Rank: 112

2022 Offense Rank: 68

2022 Defense Rank: 129

 

 

Interested in one of these programs? Send an application here and join us down south, where it just means more

[subsequent]

"Speaking of Sally Struthers, Alabama’s mascot is an elephant, which is representative of the figure of the campus’ coeds – both in shape and smell."

 

Oh no.

[TuscanSota]

[tsweezy]