Statement from the Department of Justice regarding the Matt Howard Situation

[kgreene829]

(read like the mesothelioma financial compensation commercials)

ATTENTION

 

If you or a loved are in possession of one of Matt Howards many children you may be entitled to financial compensation.

 

Matt Howard is a football player on the Jacksonville Jaguars who has been in the news recently due too many incidents concerning his character and recent behavior.

 

Exposure to Matt Howard may have put you at risk of a parasite that grows inside of you for 9 months before invading your life, your family, and your home.

 

Please don't wait. Call now for free legal consultation and financial information packet.

 

Mothers please call 1-800-99 HOWARD

 

again that is 1-800-99 Howard.

 

 

 

Attorney General Merrick B. Garland head of the U.S. Justice Department made this statement in an effort to prevent the tragic event of Matt Howard from happening again. Garland said "To have a young man go off the rails like this shows that we have failed as a country." Garland and the rest of the U.S. Government have been looking for a way to prevent this from happening ever again and they are close to a solution.

 

The U.S. Government will be giving out cash rewards to anyone who has a child of Matt Howard. They will be removing these kids from society to try and protect them and the world from themselves. As of now America is reaching out to the other countries of the world to try to get them on board with this plan to save the world from certain doom.

 

As of now no decision has been made on what to do with these kids but two ideas that have come up are sending them to a Buddhist temple and converting them to monks, or stranding them on a deserted island à la Lord of the Flies.

 

We will now be taking questions.

[tsweezy]

I have a lot of questions

#1: how dare yoy

[BabaYaga]

Matt Howard or Antonio Cromartie?

[Rocketcan]

Give them all lifetime season tickets to Jags games

[TuscanSota]

Why not recruit them all in 18 years?

[alexfall862]

What if I have a structured agreement from a Matt Howard settlement, but I need my money now to finance my stadium expansion? Edited May 4, 2022 by alexfall862

[kgreene829]

I am afraid this might just make them worse have you see Jaguars fans

[kgreene829]

I am sorry sir but we are just trying to do what is best

[kgreene829]

This is for Matt Howard. Cromartie answers to a higher power

[kgreene829]

Our experts project that since they would all enter the draft at the same time our world would become a post apocalyptic wasteland

[kgreene829]

I would take that up with Mr. Howard, have you tried checking the local strip clubs?